"Tofurkey Over Family": Redditors Are Divided Over This Vegan's Controversial Thanksgiving Dinner Request

Most of us can relate to the discomfort of a conflict with family members around the holidays. Perhaps the subject of politics comes up during dinner — you and your cousin do NOT align on some key issues — or your grandmother finds out you got a new tattoo since last Christmas. Whatever the case may be, the holidays have an uncanny ability to bring familial tensions to the surface.

This is the backdrop for one Redditor's dilemma around the holiday dinner menu and one sibling whose dietary restrictions usually create conflict weeks before the cooking even starts. Suspicious-Basil7882 recently asked the r/AITA community: "Am I the asshole for refusing to cook a vegetarian Thanksgiving dinner?"

Here's what she had to say: 

"I feel like I’ve slipped into an episode of The Twilight Zone with this whole argument, so tell me what’s up, internet folks. Background: my brother Mark (35M) and I (31F) do not get along. When he was a teen, he saw a documentary about factory farming and became a vegetarian. He got very, very intense about it quickly, but my dad shut him down when he started trying to get the rest of us to be vegetarian with him. Then, he went to college, made like-minded friends, and went militantly vegan. It’s his entire life. I stopped talking to him after he threw a fit about one of my birthday dinners being at a steakhouse and spammed my messages and social media with cruel pictures of abused cows."

"My parents have been trying to repair our relationship, and for a while, it did seem like Mark was getting less hostile, so I’ve been letting him back into my life gradually... Then he started dating Pam, who is some kind of vegan influencer."

"She is moderately popular online, but I have no idea exactly what she does. I don’t know if Mark was trying to impress her or what, but last Thanksgiving, he insisted that Mom cook at least a vegetarian meal, or they wouldn’t come on 'ethical grounds.' My mom wanted everyone to get along on her favorite holiday, so she agreed. It was not a fun meal."

"This year, my parents have downsized for retirement, and my mom is having health problems. I bought their house when they moved, so my mom asked me to host Thanksgiving so it would be like usual. I shared that I would be hosting in our family group chat so Mark and Pam could make travel arrangements. Pam immediately started gushing about all the vegan replacement recipes she could give me to replace the traditional ones."

"I said to send me a main dish recipe they like, and I would give it a shot, but I’m making the conventional meal otherwise, and there should still be plenty of things they can eat. Mark and Pam have been arguing about this with me for days, and then Mark said that if I didn’t make a meat-free meal, they wouldn’t come. This upset my mom, who asked me to make what she made last year to keep the peace, but I told her that Mark needs to get over himself and I’m not indulging him. I’m having turkey on Thanksgiving."

The OP elaborated: "As I said, I’ve already offered to make sure there is a main dish and sides they can eat. Mark and Pam will not show up if anyone else eats meat at this meal. If any meat is served to anyone, they won’t come. Doing multiple meals that day or across multiple days is a no-go. I’m a newly minted critical care physician at an understaffed hospital during a major holiday week, and I will have a limited window of time between shifts. I have time for one gathering, and I would rather not waste it on a miserable one like last year."

"My dad privately agrees with me, but Mark's threatening not to come is upsetting my mom so much that he’s worried it will impact her health. There’s a not-big-but-also-not-zero chance that these might be some of our last family holidays with her. My mom thinks I’m putting turkey over my own family, and I’m not so sure anymore."

CrimsonKnight_004 showed their support for the OP, commenting "You’re not putting turkey over family — Mark is putting tofurkey over family. You’ve reasonably accommodated enough with a vegan option. Mark doesn’t get to hold holidays hostage because of his own dietary choices. That’s ridiculous."

"If Mark wants to pitch a fit, that’s him," CrimsonKnight_004 continued. "I feel very sorry for your mom. She’s the one suffering most here. But she needs to realize that Mark is the one causing this family divide, and it isn’t fair to everyone else to cater to his demands."

PurpleFunkyBoss rallied in support, too: "I'm glad OP wants to be strong and hold their ground, as they should! But it makes me violently frustrated that Mom would accept Mark's childish behavior and then attempt to bully the rest of the family?!?!"

Others shared their solutions to having Thanksgiving with loved ones who have dietary restrictions. Unlike the OP's brother, many people with allergies and other dietary needs will bring their own foods to the function so as not to complicate cooking for the host.

Beginning_Method_442 shared, "We have some interesting allergies and intolerances in my family. One doesn't eat poultry, so we cook ham, which is the only major accommodation. My child, who is gluten intolerant, brings her own bread. The one who doesn't eat dairy eats what they can (no pudding, cream pie, or cheese dishes). Some don’t like yams, but others do. It's no big deal. One can’t eat onion or garlic, so they skip the stuffing. Entitled demands are never allowed."

Some shared their own experiences with impossible holiday dinner guests: "My mother-in-law cited various restrictions and health issues (guess what? None of them actually allergies) and expected us to cook a Christmas meal for 24 people catering for those requirements," cynical-mage shared. "No fat. No salt. No sugar. No gluten. No dairy. No carrots, onions, garlic, celery, herbs. Get out of here."

RebeccaMCullen made a critical point about the power of hosting in the comments: "I can understand making the sides vegetarian/vegan friendly, but the main dish vegan-friendly when all but two guests aren't vegan? Nuh-huh. If Mark and Pam want a vegan meal, they can host."

So why don't the vegan couple host if they want a vegan holiday so badly? The OP followed up on the post with some critical information: "They live in a van at present."

With all the stressful aspects of hosting during the holidays, choosing the menu must surely be one of the perks. And ultimately, the OP's parents seem to agree. Suspicious-Basil7882 updated Redditors on the status of her family feast, sharing: "Dad finally hit critical mass and told Mark that if he didn't get his ass here on Thanksgiving to support mom unconditionally and without a single complaint or argument the entire time, he was disowning and disinheriting him and the next time he needed money or help he could forget it. So Mark is theoretically coming. Pam is not. Dad has already ordered the turkey. The recipes Pam sent are ridiculously complicated, so I worked out a deal with one of the nurses at work who is vegan, and she's going to make a couple of her favorite dishes ahead that I can bake the day off for Mark. We'll see if he manages to show up."

Has a family member ever tried to bamboozle your holiday plans? Tell us your ruined holiday story in the comments or anonymously via this form.